target makes me hostile

so my title for this blog entry may be a little misleading. in defense of target, i was hostile before i walked through their automatic doors this morning. the whole reason for the trip is that i am unemployed again. i wonder if people who work ever even go to target. there are very few things in target that i can't live without - unless, of course, i am unemployed. so today, i went for the sole purpose of purchasing these skinny cow brand candy bars. they are really good in a 110-calories kind of way.

when i go to target because of unemployment (again, redundant), i sometimes will bring a single recyclable bag to limit my purchase. so today, i dragged my one bag, spilling over with really soft pajama bottoms, some dog treats (they were on sale!), contact solution - in bulk (it was a better deal that way, really), and the skinny cow bars, to the register where there was an unusually long line. i noticed that the woman who got in line behind me had a baby car seat in her shopping cart. this prompted me to quickly look away. but not before i saw the woman behind her peering into the cart at the baby and asking in an interested, perhaps nostalgic, way, "how old?" i sighed.

the mother shopper quickly responded with "eleven days." i tried so hard to tune it out. i knew that an inane conversation about newborns would worsen my mood. and sure enough, the conversation continued and i learned that this was mother shopper's third baby and that her husband kept saying each baby was the last, but she just couldn't help herself, she just couldn't get enough babies.

i, on the other hand, couldn't unload my unnecessary items onto the belt fast enough. i tried to engage the checkout woman so that i wouldn't hear anymore. it failed. i learned that mother shopper's oldest was in kindergarten and that she too was just so excited about the new baby.

finally, i got my recyclable bag - and the extra plastic one i needed since all of my merchandise didn't fit- and i all but ran to the parking lot. i escaped without learning anything else about her or her baby. i hurried home, cracked open my giant bag of individually packaged sour patch kid halloween candy and started googling resume templates.

update

well, it's been several months since i updated. i got a job. like a paying job. well, it doesn't pay much, but it does pay. and to sum it up, i get paid to discuss vaginas. but enough about that. i have been saying all along that i think a job would be good for me. and in a lot of ways, it is. but in a lot of ways, it sucks. that wouldn't really distinguish it from most jobs, i guess. except for that vagina thing.

it's a law job. so my dad (and sallie mae) would be happy that i am using my $60,000+ law degree. only i don't feel much like an attorney. especially considering that i only work a few hours a day. of course, i don't consider myself an alcoholic and i drink a couple of hours a day - so i guess it all evens out.

and the kids are fantabulous. my daughter is flourishing in middle school - with more braces and awkwardness than almost anyone else in her grade. and my son mac has only threatened to kill two people this year! i shouldn't joke about this because threatening to kill people at school is a pretty big deal. but if you know the real stories, it's not nearly that bad. the first person he threatened to kill was cassandra - and well, she LOVES justin bieber - that alone justifies it for me, but i also know that cassandra and mac are friends, so i know he said it in a loving way. and then there was madison. madison was making fun of mac and while it might sound bad that he would make such a threat, madison is a tell-it-like-it-is african-american girl that i love, that is about two heads taller than mac and that could take mac down with one hand tied behind her back. the bright side is that mac's teacher loves him and she only has to call me to come and pick him up early about once a week. fortunately, my new job is flexible and by now my employers have low expectations.

and i know, after reading all of these entries (because i know how dedicated you are to my blog), you are wondering if i am still enjoying cereals and beer and the answer is a resounding kind-of. the beer - yes. not only do i enjoy drinking beer, but i have taken to photographing it and posting it on facebook. as for cereal, well, i have developed some kind of intolerance for wheat and i have been trying to cut back. but like the vagina talks, you just don't want to know about that. trust me.

true friends

this weekend i learned that a true friend will stick with you even when you call her husband a douchebag. a fucking douchebag, to be exact. here is how it went down. i was watching comedy central friday night and saw a comedian making fun of the cadillac escalade hybrid. he was speculating about the type of family that would own this vehicle and how they might justify it - saying how he could picture the interview with the wife, who might say "well, i'm an environmentalist..... and my husband is a total fucking douchebag." i thought it was pretty funny. so the following day when i went to my friend's house to ride with her to the lake for a girls' night, her husband was outside and offered to help me load my things into her car. as we were packing it all up, i told him about the bit on comedy central. i don't know him all that well, so i was a little nervous about the language and the potential for him to take offense. but, as usual, i said it anyway. and he chuckled. my friend came out and we loaded up and drove to the lake. on the way, i told her about the bit and mentioned that i had told her husband and that i hoped he was not offended. she burst into laughter and told me that he had suggested the escalade hybrid and that she had refused to consider it because she is an environmentalist. we both did the math. oops.