the christmas letter

you know what i love about the holidays? getting a really long letter from someone telling you how fabulous their life is. but sometimes, if you look closely, you can see through the glitz and get a glimpse of what is really going on. i got one such letter this season and i would like to share it with you. below is the letter, in its entirety, and word-for-word - because i can't make this shit up. i have, however, made a few comments, in brackets, and changed the names to hopefully keep these people from recognizing themselves in the event that they should stumble onto my blog now that it is in its new easy-to-find location at www.luckycharmsandbeer.com.

Hello to all our dear friends and family. Wow, I truly do not know where this year has gone, let alone that I turned 40 this year! [as a side note, this sentence makes no sense] Desi and I celebrated our 25th anniversary of marriage this year. We have been spending a little bit more time together since Desi's company has slowed down the work load. Desi also has had alot more time to work with Larry on his baseball skills and now with Curly's wrestling. Desi is really enjoying that!

Speaking of Larry, he is a ray of sunshine [if she does say so herself]. He is 13 and is always happy [oxymoron] and so conscientious. It makes mama proud that he is very neat too! He finished 7th grade with a very high average, a math award, and a science award, and so this year he was placed in advanced classes. We were not sure how he would do, but he is maintaining excellent grades. He is still playing travel baseball, which we all enjoy very much. He has pitched some great games and even won a "game ring."

Curly entered the high school this year after finishing the middle school with "a presidential award." [don't know what that is? well here, let her tell you] That award is given for always maintaining an A average throughout the entire 3 years. He too is in advanced classes and doing very well. He played on the football JV team as a wide receiver and now he is starting on the varsity wrestling team as a freshman. We are very proud of his accomplishments, especially dad who loves to share his experiences and knowledge of the sport with him. He finally decided to get a buzz cut and it looks great on him. He also got the braces off. What a hunk!

Moe is, yes indeed 21. He is still working at Publix part-time. He also works another part-time job and in between the two jobs, he is in his 3rd year in college. He obviously has little time for organized sports which is a shame because he is so talented, but he does play at leisure with his high school buddies. He does continue to work out in his little gym in his room. It has taken well over a year to learn to let go of my "little boy" and let me tell you, it is not easy! We are very proud of him and love him dearly.

As for me, I'm still in the same routine. I take the boys where they need to be and wash all of their uniforms. That is the down side to sports. I have started a new mural in the basement and I paint when I get the urge.

Well I hope this letter finds you doing well. We want to wish you all a Blessed Christmas and a very Blessed New Year.

Lucy, Desi, Larry, Curly and Moe

my interpretation of lucy's letter: desi is an alcoholic about to lose his job. larry has, at the tender young age of 13, discovered that he is gay. curly, the high school sports star and "hunk," has contracted at least one venereal disease and may or may not have fathered a child. moe smokes alot of pot, sometimes with his "high school buddies" and sometimes alone in his "little gym in his room." lucy is on the brink of a mental break - and why wouldn't she be? everyone else's lives are filled with academics, sports and friends and she is "in the same routine" washing uniforms.

i think it would be really refreshing to get my version of the christmas letter. in fact, i may just write my own.

the mountain house

a while back, i found myself talking to this very attractive and very typical "southern woman." you know the type - always looks perfect, has the perfect family, is always telling stories about her perfect life. i knew this was going to be a painful conversation because it started out with her telling me how busy she had been - so busy in fact, that she had not even gotten to her mountain house that season.
the story continued and somehow this girl managed to do the two things that irritate me more than anything else - yes, even more than talk of her mountain house - she subjected me to her religious beliefs and she tried to get me to buy into her pyramid home-business scheme. i'm sure you are wondering how she managed to get both of those things into one conversation. well, it went something like this:
(for purposes of this story, i will call her scarlett and her husband, rhett. also, this conversation took place poolside where i sat in my mom-tankini and she posed in her bikini, looking absolutely flawless (except for her ridiculously huge fake boobs) holding her 3-month-old baby that she did not adopt. i will refer to the cosmetic pyramid-scheme company as "pyramid scheme."

scarlett: i'm just so busy with the boys. i know you must be too since you are working part-time.

me: yeah.

scarlett: i can't imagine if i had finished residency how hard it would be to manage my career and the boys. and i felt really bad when i first wanted to quit residency. i worried that i had wasted all that time and money going to medical school only to quit residency. but then one day, it just hit me. i realized that god had not sent me to medical school to be a doctor. he had sent me to meet rhett.

me: yeah. (swallowing a little vomit)

scarlett: but rhett's practice is doing well and a friend told me about pyramid scheme, a home-based business. it's a great opportunity and i think you would be really good at it. rhett was skeptical at first, but after he went to the meeting with me, he saw what a great opportunity it was for me to be able to share great products with my friends and family and supplement his income. you would be great at it and it's the perfect way to work from home while your kids are little and need you.

me: hey, speaking of kids needing me, mine are drowning, so i should go. it was nice talking to you.

as i am looking for ways to work, from home or otherwise, i reflected on this conversation with scarlett. she truly presented a picture of having it all. and i wonder if she does or if like so many people, she is just better at marketing and selling her life to others than i am. i'm afraid that my pitch isn't nearly as impressive - i mean, how could it be? i don't even have a mountain house.