the best septic tank story that i've got

we have lived in our house for nearly seven years and i decided we should probably do something with our septic tank because i have heard they need maintenance.  what exactly maintenance entailed, i had no idea. so i asked a friend and got the name of a septic guy - darrell.

darrell showed up at the scheduled time and introduced himself, then asked me (i guess i should have seen this coming...) where the septic tank was located.  i had no idea. darrell then asked "you got email?" i replied yes and he told me to call the health department and ask them to email me the information on file with the county about the location of my tank.  he recited the number and i then explained to the nice woman at the environmental health department that i had darrell there with me and we needed to locate the tank.  she agreed to email the document and then she said "tell darrell tammy says hey." i did.

the email came and i showed it to darrell and he took over my phone, zoomed in and out on the screen, called out a bunch of random numbers and then looked at me and said "whats that add up to?" not being aware that i was tallying, i told him i had no idea. darrell figured it all out without my help and started digging.

a little while later, he called me over and the conversation went like this:

darrell: i'm sick.
me: okay. is there anything i can do?
darrell: i got diarrhea.
me:  oh no.  what do you need?
darrell: i'm gon have to come back and finish the job next week.
me:  that's absolutely fine.  you do whatever you need to do.
darrell: (gathers his tools then stops what he was doing) whatchyou do for a living'?
me: well, i take pictures of cows and sell them, but i wouldn't exactly call it a living
darrell: cows? you know the bull man up on highway 15?"
me: (staring blankly, shaking my head no)
darrell: the bull man. you know, he inseminates cows all around here.  they did a documentary about him. (he waited for me to realize i knew the bull man, but i failed him and he continued) me and my wife was in it. it did pretty good, made it to that sundance film festival. it was called dirty work.
me: wow, that's crazy.
darrell:  i reckon people liked it cause jimmy kimmel wanted us to come on his show and sing the honeywagon song.
me: that's so cool. did you go?
darrell: yep. me and my wife and harold went to los angeles.  they paid for the hotel and ever'thing. we was on there with hulk hogan and a chi-nese lady from that show lawst.
(then, an unexpected subject change, possibly due to an upset stomach reminder)
darrell: me and my wife ate out last night and i knew some'n wattin right after that.  we ate at redds in jefferson.  you been there?
me: no, i haven't.
darrell: you oughta try it.  it's good.

not long after that, darrell packed up and headed home.  he did return the following week and we talked more about family, politics, school and about his work.  he said he loved his job and was proud that he had stuck with it and made a successful business.  i agreed with him. not many people can say the same thing. i asked him the craziest thing he ever found in a septic tank and he said, without hesitation, "false teeth" and after some thought, "and a bunch a rubbers."

the only thing disappointing about my septic tank maintenance experience is that darrell won't need to come back for 3 to 5 years.  i'm going to miss that guy.

run penelope run

the middle school track meet was scheduled for thursday in jefferson, georgia, at 3:30pm and would last until 8:30pm. i spent monday through thursday dreading it, so when i received a text message thursday around lunchtime saying that the meet had been cancelled due to to rain, i was so ecstatic that i failed to notice that the text went on to say that the meet had been rescheduled for the following night (friday night, for those of you only skimming).

so when i got up friday morning and my son informed me that the meet was that afternoon, let's just say it soured my mood. my mood is generally good on fridays as friday evenings at my house are known as "beer friday" because i like to have a couple of friends over to drink beer and complain about things like track meets, etc.

and for you to fully understand my disdain for track (feel free to insert whatever other kid activity of overblown importance here), i need to explain that neither of my kids is athletic and asperger's isn't really associated with a lot of sports successes. (in fact, i'm pretty sure i've got some blog entries to back this up). consequently, i suppose, i think parents today have fucking lost it when it comes to their childrens' athletics.

friday, the day itself, was rather miserable, for reasons that are not funny and therefore not suitable for this blog. and i had to cancel beer friday so i could drive to jefferson- which even my gps resisted and referred to as "unmapped" territory. i did eventually find the meet and sat alone in the bleachers among cheering parents, restless children and the clacking of expensive track shoes on metal.

i watched one couple, in particular, who cheered for their budding star who i will call penelope (to protect her precious identity). penelope ran a full mile - that's four whole laps - around the track and finished well ahead of her competitors. her parents screamed and cheered each time she came around and at the finish just beamed with pride and excitement. the mom said to her other, younger child, "can you believe she beat everyone else?" finally, after a painfully long wait, penelope was able to join them, where she was met with "hey, track star" and congratulatory high fives and hugs. it was a beautiful scene and all i could think was "enjoy your moment penelope, because in a few short years, you could run a marathon backwards and no one will give a shit." something tells me penelope won't see it coming - she's been conditioned, like all of them (mine included) to expect the moon and more. but i kept all this to myself and let penelope have her moment and not long after, i gathered up my middle school track participant and we happily headed to the car. i took it as a good sign when my gps suddenly kicked in and knew the way home.