club level

i recently had the opportunity to do something i have never done - i stayed on the club level at the ritz carlton. for those of you that have never experienced club level, i thought i would provide a short summary of what i learned there. and for those of you who frequent the club level at the ritz carlton, are we friends? because you sound like an asshole.

the first thing i learned is that club level people are better than you. it is obvious who is and who is not accustomed to the club level experience. this became clear to me when i ventured to the dessert bar in the club level lounge. as i lifted lids and meekly peered underneath for something i recognized, a very distinguished-looking man in his 50s asked if i was there "with the conference" - as in, "clearly you are not the sort who can afford a club level room at the ritz on your own." i indicated that i was indeed with the conference and he nodded and resumed conversation with his wife whose accent could only be described as being from somewhere better, wealthier than wherever you are from.

second, i learned that heineken tastes like crap even at the club level, confirming everyone's suspicion that wealthy people are not beer-drinkers.

the third thing i learned is that ritz carlton club level children are the worst kind. these matching-pajama-and-slipper-clad kids drinking hot cocoa and snacking on gourmet rice krispie treats are better than you and they don't even know it. i don't know why it makes it worse that they don't know it - but somehow, it does. their level of comfort in the club level lounge is disturbing, so much so that i had to take my heineken and my fancy rice krispie treat back to my room where i propped myself on layers of down to watch back-to-back episodes of law & order.

the last thing i learned that i will share with you is that apparently yippy little dogs are allowed on the club level. club level yippy dogs are only slightly less annoying than club level children.

i miss the old days, a simpler time when people like me couldn't afford to stay at the ritz carlton. when there was no need for club level, because the entire hotel was club level. when it was unnecessary to offer beer because no one low-brow enough to drink it was there. a time when there was no giant jar of cookies or coloring book in the lounge for the precious little ones because the precious little ones, like the family pet, were not welcome at the ritz carlton.