sexy, flat abs at 40!

i hate magazines.  all of them.  i think they make people (mostly women) feel bad about themselves. fitness magazines are the absolute worst.  i have no idea why i got one in the mail recently.  i didn't order it, but i guess i ordered something online and this was my punishment.  on the cover stands an airbrushed model beside a headline boasting "sexy, flat abs at 40!" as if this is actually a possibility.  while i do think it is possible for a woman of that age to be sexy, i have serious doubts about whether her abs would be a contributing factor.  and if this woman has kids, forget all of it - she isn't ever going to feel sexy again.  ever.  and her abs are not flat unless she has had surgery or she is really, really hungry and sucking in.  and lying down.  trust me on this.

i didn't open the magazine.  but i imagine the article looked something like this.

Seven Easy Steps for Sexy, Flat Abs at 40!

Step 1: rent or purchase a time machine.

Step 2: get inside time machine.

Step 3: think back to a time when you had flat abs (if you are 40, this will likely be the early 90s).

Step 4: enter that date into time machine.

Step 5: travel back in time.

Step 6: tell your younger self not to have children, eat carbs or drink alcohol ever again.

Step 7: tell your younger self to spend 3 hours a day doing ab work for the next 20 years.

the magazine is still sitting on my kitchen counter.  i think i am going to throw it in the recycling so that i can stop thinking about what i am not doing to have flat, sexy abs.